Don’t worry. I m here to demystify it all for you.
First of all I am going to echo the cover of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy: Don’t panic. I know, I know, I know you are trying to perform a magick spell right now because you are experiencing some kind of a personal crisis. It is going to be okay. As I said all of us have been there at some point. The reason you are here though is that you want to actually do more than wish in one hand and spit in the other. This is going to be fun though.
You are entering a new phase of your life. A new chapter. Or maybe even a whole new book. And like in the beginning of a lot of new books where the lead character doesn’t know how to do something, but has to learn here you are. Only you are presented with a beautiful and wonderful new opportunity. You have the chance to discover what style or path of magick is best for you.
Obviously I do not know you and therefore cannot tell you a specific answer based off of what I know about you and combine that with some higher intuition. What I can tell you is that if you are drawn to magick more so than the average person with a faint dream of magickal abilities but no intention of actually learning, you are doing the right thing by reading up on the subject.
Some people are motivated and connected to magick through their heritage. And that is perfectly valid. If you are Italian you might want to study Stregheria (La Vecchia Religione). If you have a Central America lineage, you might want to study brujeria. Or if you are from the Caribbean, you might want to look at Santaria. Maybe your family is from Ireland and you are interested in Celtic magick and druidism. Or you are not related to these traditions by blood at all, but you are still interested in them all the same. And that is perfectly acceptable. You do you boo. It is not the practice that matters ultimately, it is whether you believe in it that matters. Part of that belief is how comfortable with how you are performing magick.
I remember casting my first spell. It was the first spell in The Lost Books of Merlyn: Druid Magic from the Age of Arthur (http://amzn.to/1UpAMbG). I remember being completely self-conscious. I was alone in my family’s backyard, with a chain-link fence nearby and a snooty old lady living right there. I was afraid of her spying on me and judging me. I was afraid of my family finding me. But more importantly, it felt silly to me. I felt like I did not need to cast a circle and do all this stuff that was in the book. The next book I read was To Ride a Silver Broomstick: New Generation Witchcraft (http://amzn.to/1NefkFh) and while Silver Ravenwolf taught spells and encouraged readers to perform magick rituals, she also hinted here and there that if you wanted to do magick without the rituals, you could. And that felt right for me. I had permission from someone else to not try magick rituals that I did not feel comfortable with.
I kept reading different books on magick though. I read spell books and all kinds of magick books. I studied everything I could get my hands on. I knew magick was real. I knew that the spirit realm was real. I had experienced it first hand long before all of this. I just needed to find a way to do magick that felt right for me. I remember reading True Magick (http://amzn.to/1pVuJ1Z) by Amber K and how she talked about different types of magick practitioners. Her description of a Hedge Wizard felt more like me.
And I read more and more books. I talked with other pagans. I talked with new-agers. I read fiction that inspired me to approach magick from a technological perspective. Neuromancer by William Gibson (http://amzn.to/1Tnhe2T) was great for this. I read all kinds of books. Books on candle magick, stones and herbs.
Few had a positive impact on me. I absolutely hated the books that were written from a more historical/academic vantage point, or were trying to invoke an inner “archetype” to get the desired results. To me those were the worst. In essence I saw them as denying real magick, and that they wanted to focus on either psychology or just history. (Little did I know at the time how closely related psychology and magick really are.) But if that is what works for you, go rock that style.
I eventually came across the Kybalion and for the first time felt inspired to actually perform magick. For the first time, I felt like I had a means of doing magick that was a cohesive system. It made sense to me. It felt glorious. It felt empowering.
And that is what you want… You want to feel awesome and to feel empowered. You want to connect with your manner of magickal practice so as to feel as if you’d just had a Quickening, you just didn’t have to behead anyone to do so. ;)
So take your time. Read everything you can on all the different styles and traditions of magick that you can. Read everything here. Run a search on your favorite search engine and read everything that interests you. Do what feels best for you. Maybe you can mince styles and practices to come up with something totally unique that works great just for you. Or maybe it will work wonders for others too. Who knows. But you are at a wonderful point where you can explore and find something and then bask in the wonderful feelings of revelation and exhilaration.